Isolation
One of my biggest issues with depression is isolation. I can't remember the last time I went to a party. The thought of going to a crowded dinner almost makes me nauseous. For the longest time my daily pattern was: wake up at around 4 a.m. - have coffee and play games on my computer until it was time to go to work. Work all day - through lunch and then rush home.
Often my plans to stop for groceries or to drop off dry cleaning were canceled so that I could get home as quickly as possible. Once home, I would eat (often just order pizza) and then wait until I could justify going to bed. If the phone rang I seldom answered it, if there was a knock at the door - I hid.
For me, performance anxiety was/is doing anything in public that would allow me to be observed in public. For example, I have a scooter and I really enjoy riding it. However, it takes me quite a while to get up the nerve to start it up in public.
A lot of people, especially co-workers will be surprised to hear this. At work, I can be very humorous. During meetings I would often get the others in the room laughing. Humor as I have stated in previous hubs, is a form of camouflage to keep others for getting to know the real me.
What am I doing to be overcome the isolation and paranoia that I feel.
- I commit to going for coffee at least two or three times a week. I have to force myself - but I am successful 80% of the time.
- I commit to walking for at least 30 minutes at least twice a week.
- I try to answer the phone - but I have to admit that call display allows me to pick and choose calls. I seldom make outgoing calls.
- I discuss isolation with my counselor almost every week.
One final note - as I continue to write about my depression, I have promised myself that I will not discuss the medications I am on. The reason is that I do not want to dispense advice on depression medications. What works for me, may not work for someone else.
I hope that anyone suffering from depression or any of the anxiety illnesses, seeks appropriate medical help. For me a combination of therapy and medication is helping.
Thanks for reading and I appreciate feedback.
i understand most of how you feel because dealing with how i feel about myself often involves meeting someone new, waiting for them to give me some information about themselves or intuitively knowing what type of person they are and manipulating who i will be to them, making myself easy to get along with and like without giving them an ounce of the real me. most of these people i don't keep around me for very long, either they move on or i move on. it was a gift going through high school with so many exchange students because it meant i didn't have to let them know who i was inside, only who i could be for them and then they'd always leave. it's come to the point now where i don't know who i am anymore because i've been someone else to everyone one i've met.
ReplyDeleterelationships were the worst because i found most men would like me for who they thought i was or who they wanted me to be on their arm and i gave into it for a little while but as soon as i let a little of myself out, usually the part that isn't normal and has it's own insecurities because i'm already week from trying so hard they stop and think or say "who is this person? how can she be flawed?" then they leave or i push them away to save myself from being hurt in the end. i don't feel i try to purposely run from them, but for a long time i ran from myself. how can you loose yourself so much you need a magnifying glass to find it again? i'm not sure if i suffer from depression, i allow myself to feel all my emotions freely because most of the time it's how i know i am real, but i do suffer from the fear of people find out who i really am and running away from that. i would sooner not have anyone know me for there i am safe. all these things i feel are wrong with me don't seem to fit into anyone else s life. after all this is said my short adulthood has been torture because i've been so alone, i long for a great couple of friends who appreciate me for who i am, weither it's the happy me or the sad me, and still call me to see how i'm doing. i'm always waiting by the phone for that call that never seems to come. then there is work which evolves into am obsession for me because i take it on myself to mke everyone's life simplier by doing absolutely everything i can for them, getting calls with someone asking me to help them with something, i feel important and needed and befriended, but when the projects over i go back to my normal life and never hear from anyone again, i walk into my home and it's quiet, lonely, and empty and there is a little piece of myself that has changed through interactions but has no where to go now that i'm alone.
ReplyDeleteSo when i'm lonely at home i supplement that wholeness i felt with others that is now gone by going out and spending money on things i like or want to make me feel better and to perhaps attract others to me as possible friends. when i can't justify buying something like a really nice dress i like or an awesome pair of shoes i buy food, and a lot of it and being home alone i don't have to think about what i'm eating or who sees me eat it, i can just freely binge, and then without thinking i can vomit it up, and on bad days i can do this three or four times. it's always worse when i'm bored and alone. and that starts the whole feeling of self internal isolation over again because i have this thing about me, formally called an eating disorder which i feel most people really know nothing about and wouldn't know how to handle, and i have to hide it so i hide myself.
ReplyDeleteit's funny how we all have insecurities but some of us feel the need to take it to an extreme. i think just having these things about us give us almost a reason for isolation because of the miss education to the general public about them and the feeling that we are the only one's with "problems". i'm realizing more and more that the more open i am to talking about myself flawed self the more comfortable people become around me. i find i get more questions now then i do words of condolence and in answering these questions i have the chance to sort through my feelings, thought and reasons easier without feeling odd.my biggest obstacle now is offering information about myself honestly instead of waiting for the questions or the chance to slip it into a conversation. each time i do that i get a little happier inside and more confident in myself.i'm not doing any harm to these people i'm talking to about my flaws but if i don't talk about it i'm doing harm to myself, if i hide away and live in whats comfortable for me i'm harming myself in the end. we all dig for a purpose and for meaning in our lives, the funny thing is that we have everything we need right here inside us, it's just buried.
You've made a lot of very important things here Ashley.
ReplyDeleteUnderstanding yourself is very important. Then, the harder to do, liking yourself can hopefully be easier.
Please keep commenting and I hope that you feel as I do that healing can be partly achieved just by the act of sorting through your thoughts and feelings, while writing.