Isolation and How I am battling it.

Isolation

One of my biggest issues with depression is isolation. I can't remember the last time I went to a party. The thought of going to a crowded dinner almost makes me nauseous. For the longest time my daily pattern was: wake up at around 4 a.m. - have coffee and play games on my computer until it was time to go to work. Work all day - through lunch and then rush home.

Often my plans to stop for groceries or to drop off dry cleaning were canceled so that I could get home as quickly as possible. Once home, I would eat (often just order pizza) and then wait until I could justify going to bed. If the phone rang I seldom answered it, if there was a knock at the door - I hid.

For me, performance anxiety was/is doing anything in public that would allow me to be observed in public. For example, I have a scooter and I really enjoy riding it. However, it takes me quite a while to get up the nerve to start it up in public.

A lot of people, especially co-workers will be surprised to hear this. At work, I can be very humorous. During meetings I would often get the others in the room laughing. Humor as I have stated in previous hubs, is a form of camouflage to keep others for getting to know the real me.

What am I doing to be overcome the isolation and paranoia that I feel.

• I commit to going for coffee at least two or three times a week. I have to force myself - but I am successful 80% of the time.
  
• I commit to walking for at least 30 minutes at least twice a week.
  
• I try to answer the phone - but I have to admit that call display allows me to pick and choose calls. I seldom make outgoing calls.
• I discuss isolation with my counselor almost every week.

One final note - as I continue to write about my depression, I have promised myself that I will not discuss the medications I am on. The reason is that I do not want to dispense advice on depression medications. What works for me, may not work for someone else.

I hope that anyone suffering from depression or any of the anxiety illnesses, seeks appropriate medical help. For me a combination of therapy and medication is helping.

Thanks for reading and I appreciate feedback.

A bit about me and depression

July 21, 2009
Some friends suggested that I start a blog as another way of dealing with my depression.
So - why not?
What is the purpose of my blog - there should be a reason, right?
I think that a lot of people dealing with a major depressive disorder should be able to discuss what they are going through with others in the same situation. So, Goal # 1 - Share the experience and discuss issues.
Mental illness doesn't have the same stigma attached to it as it has had in the past. But the stigma still exists. Goal # 2 then is to contribute to weakening that damn stigma.
Goal # 3 has to be education. A lot of people don't understand what depression is. Hopefully, people will start to read this blog and recommend it to relatives and friends in the hope that they will gain some insight into the disorder.

To get the ball rolling, I am 57 years old. Already. Although I was diagnosed with depression in 1996, for years and years I hid my true emotions from myself and others through a variety of distractions.
Humor is my favorite distraction. I developed a quick wit at an early age and enjoyed the attention - well into my current, life humor is a great escape for me.
Humor is likely the only healthy camouflage I had in my repertoire.

Self-sabotage was my most used method to escape the reality of the way I felt about myself.
My 20s 30s and 40s were wrought with too much alcohol, tobacco (legal hehehe), I developed a gambling addiction, had several failed relationships and never ever controlled my expenses.

Now I realize that I was doing whatever it would take to feel good about myself.
I drank way too much in my 20s 30s and 40s. When that didn't do it for me, I developed a gambling addiction. Spending money was another destructive way for me to feel better about myself. So, I was always broke.

Now at the age of 57 and on disability from my job I am working very hard at getting better. I attend GA meetings, I see my Psychologist every week, my shrink every month and attend special courses for the depressed.
I still don't like going out much, can't bring myself to go to parties and family gatherings but I do go out more these days. I am getting better. I hope you are too.

I hope others think this blog is a good idea. I am very optimistic.